Confessions of a word addict

Writing. Even the word itself gives me a little thrill. My passion for writing started back in 5th grade when I began to chronicle my life in a journal. Sure, each entry contained maybe a sentence or two and I would go months before I picked it up again, but still, we all have to start somewhere. In middle and high school I came to adore creative literature classes; I loved getting a new assignment and reaching into my creative juices to come up with a very unique story to tell. I also read a lot in my spare time which acted like a writing class itself, improving my vocabulary and prose. In college, I took another writing class and my mentor prophesied that someday I would write a book. Both fueled me to start The Secret Inside Me, a memoir, which I finished in 2011. Now, 2 years later, I'm still journaling and doing some small blogging, but chomping at the bit to write something bigger again.
It is hard to explain, but there is just something therapeutic about putting thoughts on paper (or into MS Word, LOL). Anyone who shares my love of writing, journaling or editing knows what I am talking about. If I go a few weeks or (gulp) months without writing in my journal, updating this blog or working on another piece, I begin to feel panicky, claustrophobic, extremely moody and lost. It is as if I have so many feelings and thoughts all crammed inside my head and if I cannot get them - WRITE them - out, I feel like I will go crazy! But, if I can sit down, reflect on my life, each day's happenings and then put them on paper or type them on the computer, I can begin to make sense of all the jumbled up emotions. Think of it like the sanity a Type-A or clean-freak person get when they organize or sanitize. But, instead of cleaning my office or scrubbing my floors, I have to neatly wipe down, stack and file away all the things going on in my life and my opinions of them or some creative twist on a concept or subject. And, spoken like a true obsessive compulsive freak, it gives me a feeling of control in a world full of chaos.
In addition to writing in my journal and updating this blog, I am constantly thinking of and adding to a list of working titles for books and even new blogs that I would love to write, but, like when I was writing out my "Secret," I have found that "have-written" is much more fulfilling than the process! I am so busy with my other jobs of being a wife, mom, cook, teacher, housekeeper, dog trainer and chauffeur, that I'm too exhausted when I get the chance to sit down and write, OR, if I am really honest, I have a nasty habit of putting it off when I get do get the chance or energy in favor of the couch and a favorite TV show or movie. And then, before I know it, weeks, months and even YEARS have gone by and that project is still waiting, dusty and old, where I left it.
I'm trying to change that, though. My kids are getting older, more independent and less exhausting. And I'm getting tired of just accepting that this is how things are. I know that great things do not happen without hard work and hard work doesn't get done through procrastination, excuses or laziness.
So, here I am...putting it out there and hoping for a little accountability to make myself write at least two times a week. Yes, only two times. Let's be realistic here. I know myself well enough that making a goal of writing every day or even every-other day is just setting myself up for failure. But, two times a week I am certain I can do and once I get on a writing spree and my creative juices are flowing, I am certain that I will be writing more than twice weekly, anyway! And, if all goes well, I will hopefully be announcing one of my working titles very shortly on its very own blog for research!

My former writing "work space"

Summertime and the living is...easy?!!

Are you kidding me? Whoever penned that song was not a girl named WYNTER or were they talking about a summer with kids! Or just life in general. Every June I complain that we have NOTHING going on this summer, only to realize at the end of July that I have almost no free days until September. Somehow tumbling classes, swimming lessons, vacation bible school, out of town trips or last minute visiting friends seem to endlessly pop up on my calendar. And as a HATER of heat, I seem to jump frantically from opening and shutting windows to keep my AC-free home as cool as possible and driving my AC car to every pool, beach or AC restaurant in the tri-county area for 2 months straight. Every day of summer I look more and more forward to the cooler weather of fall and the return predictable schedules that keep me sane.
But, here we are, July 31st and right in the middle of those dog days and I cannot wait for them to be over! Jonathan has been at his new job for a few months, I have terrific friends, we've found a wonderful church and we've been able to do a bunch of great things to our home, yard and life. And yet, something is still off. I'm hoping that fall will fix that, though. Chloe will go off to kindergarten, which will give Adaya a few hours each day to get some good Mommy and Liam time. Perhaps I can even homeschool a little with her. Both of them will be in ballet classes once a week, mom's group will start back up again and perhaps we can even get plugged into a lifegroup at our new church.
But can a fix in the weather fix the storms in a life? Can a calendar season really change a season of life? I'm not sure about that. We've had a hell of a year with our old church disassembling, friends moving away, friends marriages falling apart, family disease diagnosis, struggles with unemployment and the death of my favorite uncle. And yet, God is still good. We've been so blessed financially, Jonathan got a job, we've found this new great church, Chloe will be going to a great school in the fall and Jonathan tested negative for Huntingtons Disease! We got a new puppy, paid off a bunch of bills, bought a boat and a bunch of other material things. And yet, my husband is in a funk. The new job is almost worse than the last or worse than being unemployed. He has few friends and it's been tough to break into a regular guy's group, even at our new church.
Yup. Life is just not easy. Winter, spring, summer or even fall. But I am thankful for God's ever-present grace and perfect peace. It is our one constant thing. When things are high or low, it always remains and sometimes in larger portions when we need it more. I am confidant in that and I pray my dear, sweet husband will be too. I love you, baby.

Now, since I haven't exactly given a specific update...here is just a small, pictoral view into our lives the past 4 months.

 Brought home our sweet GSP puppy home, Kalua (AKA "Blaze"). Kodi loves her!

Jonathan started work at Jive Software as a Sr. Project Manager in Portland

Put in a new patio in front of the pond and re-organized the garden to get rid of the bark dust

 The girls are loving the warm weather of the summer!

 Took Mother's Day Weekend off to spend three days with "the sisterhood," 13 of my dearest friends, in Long Beach, WA

 

Got a new Fridge for me and a new Boat for us!

Terry and Cheryl came to visit in June to watch Chloe's1st ballet recital

Visited the DuPonts in Oak Harbor, WA with Hannah and the kids

 Took Hannah and the boys out on the boat for 4th of July

 Took out the arborvidas and got a mountain of bark dust for the front and back yards!

 Kodi had surgery to remove a fatty tumor, but recovered very well

 Tracy and kids came to visit in July and we had a great time!

 Took the family to the washington county fair and had a great time!

 Said goodbye to my favorite Uncle, Junior at a birthday/celebration of life party

Sometimes "Jesus Calling" feels a lot more like being on hold

It's March. Unbelievable!
This past weekend we celebrated Liam's first birthday. I cannot believe how fast this year has gone. Our little man is not a baby anymore. Finally wearing 12 month clothes, crawling faster than I can get off the couch to grab him and just days away from walking, this dimple-faced boy has my heart in his pudgy little hand.
I've really struggled emotionally with my him hitting this milestone, my last baby. A part of me is so excited to move on to the next phase of childhood with our three kids, but there is something hard about letting go of the baby years...the itty bitty clothes, midnight nursing cuddles and baby babbles. But, as one of my New Year's Resolutions, I am determined to look forward not back and enjoy every moment of the present!
On Saturday, we had a little party and my parents and brother joined us for an early pizza dinner and a cake I made from scratch. The girls blew out Liam's candle for him and he managed to massacre half of the little, mini cake I made for him. He unwrapped several fun gifts, including a stuffed, musical Wookie from his Uncle Eric, which Liam is deathly afraid of!

We've also received word from our breeder that we will have 5 female German Shorthair Pointers to choose from in the new litters that just arrived in the last week. We hope to choose one this week and bring her home to join our crazy family within two months.

But, now on to the main point of my pensive title. I've been reading Jesus Calling, which has been inspiring me to repeat the mantra, "I trust you, Jesus" multiple times a day. Even in the face of not knowing what is going on or what the future will hold. Lately, my days have been consumed with moments of chaos and fear of what is going to happen and then calm and peace as I am reminded that God is in control and I don't have to have all the answers now.
He is also teaching me such empathy and understanding for other's situations that I never felt as truly as I feel now. And overwhelming thanksgiving for the way He has so seamlessly taken care of all the "big" worries like money, bills, food, etc.
Okay, enough of being coy. Here's the dish: Jonathan has applied for over 80 jobs in 5 months, from which he has received numerous call-backs, but only a handful of interviews and one job offer, which was hardly ideal since it came with a paycut and no reimbursement for moving 350 miles southeast. As it turned out, moving is what my sweetheart earnestly desires. Away from the Pacific NW, away from the rain and also away from my family, friends and, well, my home. But, after the last interview he had there, incidentally for a job that was MUCH better than the last, I also was starting to become excited with the prospect of moving and starting over. We both maintained that we would not get our hopes up, even though the position really was desirable and he received such great feedback after 2 interviews. Despite our resolve, we really began to think it might be offered to him. Well, until flash-forward to now, 3 weeks later and we have not heard back except for a strange email that sort of hinted at a no.
On top of that, we've sort of hit a dryspell when it comes to finding quality jobs to apply for and all of these things have added up to more weight on my wonderful husband's shoulders. That strong man I love so much who was so confident in his peace over the circumstances last October, is still just a man. And men need to work. It is part of how God made them. To be the protector, the provider. To "bring home the bacon!" Without that, their sense of self and masculinity suffer.
I've tried to let him grieve this stuff and be as supportive as I can. I know that despite my prayers for him daily, only God and he can ultimately build up his ego and be the source of his confidence. As for me, I could get really depressed as well, looking at all the negative stuff above, but just wait until I share all the positive! Our children have been covered under Healthy Kids insurance since November, almost all our groceries are paid by food stamps, we have unemployment, which covers our mortgage each month and we have our retirement to pay for everything else in the meantime. BUT, the newest good news is that we were approved for an unemployment mortgage assistance program, which, starting next month, will pay our mortgage for the next year. On top of that, we have had a lot of time together as a family to do fun things we never could do before. Take midweeks trips, get so much done around the house and even build a HUGE shed in our backyard! So, financially speaking, God has so seamlessly provided for all our needs and has allowed time for us to be spend together as a family and knock things off the to-do list. We had had to trust Him to handle the job situation, though. In HIS TIME. And His time is INFINITE. Do I like that answer? Hell no! But is it enough? HEAVEN YES!
Elizabeth Elliot once said, "With God, waiting is not wasting." I believe she was speaking about waiting for a husband, but it has applied to my heart so dearly right now in this circumstance. I have this incredibly (and I'm sure, to our heavenly Father, irritatingly) imaginative trait of trying to guess what our future is with whatever hand we are dealt. I can visualize and plan our life no matter what the circumstances...in Bend when Jon gets a job interview there, being closer into Portland or even here in Forest Grove as well. But so far, none of those have been divinely inspired, only mortally imagined. Our future is obscure and if I think about that too long, I can get sad and scared and desperate. But if I think about all the provision and blessings we have received in this season of our lives, I cannot help but have peace. I know we are where He wants us right now. We are still learning something, still growing. Sometimes I imagine myself as His child...a 3 year old who has been told to be patient. I know what I am supposed to do...sit still and wait. And I am, but geez, I am also an anxious, fidgety little thing, squirming in my chair and just waiting to be allowed to run.
And so, here we still sit.

a 2012 retrospect

I'm not gonna lie, I am darn near ECSTATIC to see 2012 go. Don't get me wrong, some amazing things happened last year. Namely, our sweet baby boy, Liam, was born. But there have been some pretty shitty things as well (please excuse my language...I never swear, but sometimes only profanity can describe things so perfectly).
Do you ever look back at your life 5, 10, 20 years ago and hardly recognize the person you used to be? It's amazing to me how time changes us, grows us up and completely alters our perspective. I guess that's why there are so many cliches about this. "Time heals all wounds," "Time flies when you're having fun," "In time, you'll see." Bla bla bla bla bla!
But how about after only one year? Have you thought about where you were, what you were doing, what was important to you and how you looked at life just a year ago today and, comparing it to today, realize that you've changed almost as much or even more in this one year than you have in multiple years or decades before?
Well, for the Kaiser family, or at least for me personally, it has been that kind of year!
A year ago, I think I was sitting here typing on this same laptop as well. I had finished my memoir and was anxiously waiting for permission to publish it. My husband had just been offered a huge promotion and was finally getting the respect and attention at work that he had been working on for years in Salem...an hour and a half commute away from our Forest Grove home. We had a fantastic, strong marriage and a wonderful family with two sweet little girls and a baby boy on the way. I was homeschooling preschool with our oldest along with one her friends and I loved it. Our church was having some problems, but we were being taught new perspective and were certain we would come out better from it. We had a close-knit lifegroup and I had a fantastic group of genuine friends to see and talk with each week while our kids played.
So, everything in my life was smooth and happy for the most part...careers, finances, family and friends. The new year started off with a lot of promise: my new book, Jonathan's promotion and to top it off, Jonathan was planning to surprise me with a wonderful birthday getaway for three nights in a beautiful B&B while my parents watched the girls.
A couple days into January, though, I heard that I would not be given the blessing to publish my book like I had hoped, but I trusted God with it and instead printed several copies through lulu.com to share privately with friends and family. Then, slowly, but steadily, I shared my "secret" with everyone and the feelings of peace and openness that engulfed me from doing so completely made up for not being able to publish it at this time. I trusted that God would do what He would with it and hoped that someday it might mean publishing.
Jon and I had a wonderful, relaxing time on my birthday trip and we waited anxiously for our little boy to be born in March. When he did, my parents again took the girls for several days to give us time to bond. He was an easy, happy and pleasant baby and it wasn't long before we had slipped back into our old routine. It took some adjustment having three, especially by myself when Jon had to cut his paternity leave short in order to take his new promotion. His new job also required more time away from home and increased his stress level, but we tried to be thankful and hoped that things would eventually settle back down again. After all, the money was good and we were enjoying the life it provided for us.
In February, some friends in our church and mom's group moved away, making our circle and church even smaller in numbers. Time seemed to fly then, despite my attempts to enjoy every moment of Liam's babyhood, knowing that he would probably be our last. After a two month hiatus, I began teaching preschool again. Things were still crazy at home for long hours with three kids, but I slowly began to feel like I got my "mama groove" back. In April, we got a nice bonus and tax return and decided to use much of it to finally build the bonus living room into the garage. We knew our dear friends who had a new contracting business could use the work and money, so we allowed them to bid it. We looked forward to starting it in June.
The rest of April and May were filled with Jon's parents visiting and meeting baby Liam. We also were told by some of our dearest friends that they were looking for jobs in Northern Washington, in hopes that they could move back up there. Those hopes were solidified when they received a job offer and they made quick plans to sell their Forest Grove home and move by early July. Their leaving also began to stir things for the worse in our church, which had continued to dwindle in numbers. The elders finally began to realize what was happening and have some serious thoughts about what we should do. By June a decision was made to stop meeting at the church we were renting and take a summer break, where we would meet once a month and then reconvene at the end of the summer to decide how we should proceed, if at all.
We celebrated Jonathan's 40th birthday on June 28th and decided not to go to Salinas in July for the annual rodeo. Things were strained in the relationships with friends and marriages down there and with Liam being so little, we did not want to attempt the 11 hour drive.
The work on our garage began and it was exciting to see, but it took longer than we expected and things started to seem strange with our contractor friend. We tried to ignore it, but it continued to get worse. 4th of July came and we spent time with good friends and before we knew it, it was time to say goodbye to the DuPonts, who moved to Oak Harbor, Washington later that week.
The summer dragged on, with Jonathan unable to take much vacation, work getting more stressful and his hours long. He would leave in the morning around 7:30, rarely getting a lunch break, not leaving until well after 5 and then after spending just a short time with his family, would have to go back to work...from home, on his laptop.
We soon found out also, that his mother had been diagnosed with Huntington's disease, a debilitating genetic defect that could be blamed for much of her problems, among others involuntary body jerks, memory lapse and even psychosis. But, the worst news, we found out that it has a 50% chance to be passed on to her children. We planned to get Jonathan tested eventually, but with everything else going on, it continued to be pushed to the back burner.
August came and we learned that one of our closest couple friends were having serious marital trouble. Our contractor and his wife, one of my dearest friends. All of a sudden, the changes in his behavior, the lag time on our construction job, etc. all became much clearer. And over the next few months, things only got worse. The job was finished and we moved into our new room, loving it, but our friendship with him became all but estranged. His wife and kids moved out and they began the process of divorcing. Our mom's group held strong, supporting our dear friend whose heart was broken over her husband's betrayal. We met often, praying for and blessing her in every way we could.
Around the same time, our church elders made the decision to disband. It was almost all we could do to get through the rest of the summer. Jon continued to work his long, demanding hours at work and the kids and I survived the summer as best we could, taking short trips here and there and planning for the start of fall and preschool with both the girls being homeschooled and Chloe to start ballet. Liam was growing fast into a happy, active baby, rolling over and crawling already!
In September I took the kids to Bend for our annual trip to see my cousin and BFF for her daughter, Gracie's birthday and sat in on a wonderful women's bible study at their church, called Beautiful Battlefields. It was so inspiring and refreshing, I felt like I really needed to bring this bible study home to my girlfriends and we were given permission by the pastor in Bend to do so.
October became a whirlwind. The fall season, my favorite, had arrived and soon it would be the holidays. I was so excited to be nearing my favorite time of year when all of a sudden the worst news ever hit us. Jonathan had gone to work and asked his boss for the next day off so we could go to the pumpkin patch as a family before Halloween the following week. She had said no, which was strange and I was so angry after all the ridiculous hours he had worked that year, rarely taking vacation. We prayed a lot that day and the next, sensing something was wrong, but hoping for the best. He called me after 12 the next day, on his way home, saying that he was put on administrative leave, pending an investigation. I was floored. I couldn't believe it. Didn't understand. The good part was we got to go to the pumpkin patch that afternoon and had a fantastic time. We talked a lot about it that afternoon and into night, trying to make sense of it all.
We decided not to tell anyone until we knew what would happen and it was torture. We racked our brains, trying to understand what and why this was happening and we prayed constantly. We planned for the worse, that he would be fired. For what reason we couldn't understand, but planned for it anyway, hoping and praying that we were wrong and that they if they did let him go that they would at least do good by him and give us a severance. But just in case, he began applying for jobs and we looked at what we could cut in our finances. The next day, Friday, came and no word. The weekend was torturous. The air of apprehension and worry was so thick, but we continued to pray and trust. Monday came, still nothing and then on Tuesday, my mom's group day, I took the kids and left Jon alone at home, still applying for jobs.
He called me around 11. He had been fired. No severance. Benefits to end at the end of the month, in just a couple days. I cried and cried, trying to sort it out. How could they?! Over favoritism? Seriously?! What kind of evidence did they have? Whatever it was, it was ridiculous and wrong. I was furious for my husband. Angry that they had tarnished his good name, his reputation. I wanted to get a lawyer and sue them for wrongful termination, but Jonathan did not want to fight them. He was done. He had peace and he was ready to quit anyway. So, that afternoon, we applied for unemployment, put all our student loans on deferment and cut every expense we could and applied for every government benefit we qualified for.
And God gave us peace. After 3 years of Jonathan commuting to Salem every day for work and working horribly long hours, it was wonderful having him home. We did fun family things, he slept in and we worked around the house. He applied and interviewed with many jobs, but none felt just right. I was certain it would be soon when he would find one. Jon is so good at what he does, he has to get another job! God is good, He is in control and He will sustain us. That resolve rang so clear in our minds the first couple weeks. Eventually, after a couple weeks, the peace began to wear off and money got tight. We began to worry. The girls' birthdays were coming up and then it would be Christmas, how could we afford all that?
To add insult to injury, we soon found out that Jon's brother Jim was also diagnosed with Huntington's, the disease their mother had. I was terrified that Jon would be as well now and I feared for our children. But we couldn't afford to have Jon tested without health insurance. We decided to get him tested as soon as he got a new job with benefits.
By December, Jon still had not found a job and even finding new jobs to apply for each week was becoming more and more scarce. Stress continued to get to us. We've looked into selling our home, cashing out our 401k, which is now all that we are living on, we got approved for unemployment, food stamps and mortgage assistance, but still no job. We managed an okay Christmas. We did not get each other gifts or anything too extravagant for the kids and gave out only handmade gifts for the parents. My dad gave us money to help us pay our gas to California to spend the Holiday with Jon's family, but the stress of all the bad this year has held has weakened us. We've fought terribly. And the kids have felt the strain as well. Chloe's tantrums have been daily, sometimes multiple times a day. Adaya has brought back her screaming. It gets harder to trust, even though we are truly okay.
We gave up one job offer, in Bend. But it was a pay cut and no relocation assistance. We both felt that it wasn't right. Nothing else has been firm since. Jon wants to get out of health care. He wants to leave Portland. But until our house value goes up some more (it's already gone up almost $10k in 4 months!) we just cannot sell...at least without a job. We cannot afford to pay the commission.
The future seems looming and scary, but also full of promise. Both Jon and I are ready for him to go back to work. Chloe needs structure. She needs to get back into the preschool swing of things. I don't know what Adaya needs; a shock collar? LOL And all of us need a little happiness.
Our friends with the troubled marriage have stopped the divorce proceedings and are working on it together again, slowly. I have hope that our home value is going up and we could sell soon. And I believe that now that the holidays are over, companies will start actively posting jobs and interviewing again. I know that God is in this. He has been from the beginning. I believe that He is using these scary things for good in our lives. ALL of these things. I know that 2012 will not go down in the Kaiser history books as a fantastic, happy year, but I choose to believe that when we look back, it will have made us better people. A more loving family. A stronger marriage. And a deeper faith in God.
So, it's been quite a year, with a decade's worth of lessons learned. And while I don't know what 2013 will hold for us, I am excited to see. I am not the same person I was a year ago. I am stronger, wiser and hopefully more faithful. Thank you, Lord, for the the valleys, so the mountains seem more beautiful!