This past weekend we celebrated Liam's first birthday. I cannot believe how fast this year has gone. Our little man is not a baby anymore. Finally wearing 12 month clothes, crawling faster than I can get off the couch to grab him and just days away from walking, this dimple-faced boy has my heart in his pudgy little hand.
I've really struggled emotionally with my him hitting this milestone, my last baby. A part of me is so excited to move on to the next phase of childhood with our three kids, but there is something hard about letting go of the baby years...the itty bitty clothes, midnight nursing cuddles and baby babbles. But, as one of my New Year's Resolutions, I am determined to look forward not back and enjoy every moment of the present!
On Saturday, we had a little party and my parents and brother joined us for an early pizza dinner and a cake I made from scratch. The girls blew out Liam's candle for him and he managed to massacre half of the little, mini cake I made for him. He unwrapped several fun gifts, including a stuffed, musical Wookie from his Uncle Eric, which Liam is deathly afraid of!
He is also teaching me such empathy and understanding for other's situations that I never felt as truly as I feel now. And overwhelming thanksgiving for the way He has so seamlessly taken care of all the "big" worries like money, bills, food, etc.
Okay, enough of being coy. Here's the dish: Jonathan has applied for over 80 jobs in 5 months, from which he has received numerous call-backs, but only a handful of interviews and one job offer, which was hardly ideal since it came with a paycut and no reimbursement for moving 350 miles southeast. As it turned out, moving is what my sweetheart earnestly desires. Away from the Pacific NW, away from the rain and also away from my family, friends and, well, my home. But, after the last interview he had there, incidentally for a job that was MUCH better than the last, I also was starting to become excited with the prospect of moving and starting over. We both maintained that we would not get our hopes up, even though the position really was desirable and he received such great feedback after 2 interviews. Despite our resolve, we really began to think it might be offered to him. Well, until flash-forward to now, 3 weeks later and we have not heard back except for a strange email that sort of hinted at a no.
On top of that, we've sort of hit a dryspell when it comes to finding quality jobs to apply for and all of these things have added up to more weight on my wonderful husband's shoulders. That strong man I love so much who was so confident in his peace over the circumstances last October, is still just a man. And men need to work. It is part of how God made them. To be the protector, the provider. To "bring home the bacon!" Without that, their sense of self and masculinity suffer.
I've tried to let him grieve this stuff and be as supportive as I can. I know that despite my prayers for him daily, only God and he can ultimately build up his ego and be the source of his confidence. As for me, I could get really depressed as well, looking at all the negative stuff above, but just wait until I share all the positive! Our children have been covered under Healthy Kids insurance since November, almost all our groceries are paid by food stamps, we have unemployment, which covers our mortgage each month and we have our retirement to pay for everything else in the meantime. BUT, the newest good news is that we were approved for an unemployment mortgage assistance program, which, starting next month, will pay our mortgage for the next year. On top of that, we have had a lot of time together as a family to do fun things we never could do before. Take midweeks trips, get so much done around the house and even build a HUGE shed in our backyard! So, financially speaking, God has so seamlessly provided for all our needs and has allowed time for us to be spend together as a family and knock things off the to-do list. We had had to trust Him to handle the job situation, though. In HIS TIME. And His time is INFINITE. Do I like that answer? Hell no! But is it enough? HEAVEN YES!
Elizabeth Elliot once said, "With God, waiting is not wasting." I believe she was speaking about waiting for a husband, but it has applied to my heart so dearly right now in this circumstance. I have this incredibly (and I'm sure, to our heavenly Father, irritatingly) imaginative trait of trying to guess what our future is with whatever hand we are dealt. I can visualize and plan our life no matter what the circumstances...in Bend when Jon gets a job interview there, being closer into Portland or even here in Forest Grove as well. But so far, none of those have been divinely inspired, only mortally imagined. Our future is obscure and if I think about that too long, I can get sad and scared and desperate. But if I think about all the provision and blessings we have received in this season of our lives, I cannot help but have peace. I know we are where He wants us right now. We are still learning something, still growing. Sometimes I imagine myself as His child...a 3 year old who has been told to be patient. I know what I am supposed to do...sit still and wait. And I am, but geez, I am also an anxious, fidgety little thing, squirming in my chair and just waiting to be allowed to run.
And so, here we still sit.
